This weekend it wasn't depression I felt but ennui. Friday morning I had a dream about virtual environments with television. People were there but I ignored them as I was a researcher about to make a breakthrough with 3DTV. The effect was like a CAVE virtual environment but somehow with solid light objects.
I had stepped through my VR portal into a cubical chamber where TV objects were partially real to me when I awoke.
I viewed this dream as rooted in my dissatisfaction with my life here with the TV plus internet on most of the time. I realized that I was unhappy about my old resolve never to do basic research activities again. So I checked up on my first college adviser's website for the first time in years. I discovered that our last paper together 10 years ago was still among the 5 selected features on his CV web site. We did not part well I think, so I renewed my resolve never to look him up again even though its only 8 miles from here.
Saturday I had a dream about being 1/5 size with hawk wings instead of arms. I soared in the Grand Canyon again but I had a problem with my nestings next to high tension power lines. I raptored the updrafts next to Table Mesa when I awoke.
I viewed this dream as rooted with my dissatisfaction at having resolved never to travel again 4 years ago. I often dreamwalk to Grand Canyon, but this time felt bitter. I realized I must still be depressed from last weekend.
Sunday morning I dreamed about doing menial volunteer and minimum wage work, something else on my forbidden never-to-do-again list. Monday life junk food and the storms outside kept me up most of the night. An hour ago I had a dream about being in a sexually segregated hospital cafeteria. All of the cashiers were young women but we were forbidden to go over to the women's side to interact informally with them. I stumbled over to their side a few times trying to escape before coming back to the men's side of the cafeteria. I put my energies into not looking at the other men and on inventing a new lemon sugar confection while walking around the dessert bars when I awoke. There are any number of things I find dissatisfying about this dream. I realize now that giving up on my diet, on women, and on becoming a cordon bleu can all be added to my long list of give-ups. I wonder when it will seem to me like I've given up too much? Thank goodness I've started reading and doing light exercise again recently with my sister's family. I believe the feeling that I am stagnating is purely subjective depression and can be cured with more zazen.
